Utherverse

My readers live for fantasy. The real world has nothing to offer you. Bitches don't want to fuck you, employers don't want to hire you, and your parents/landlords don't want to look in your direction. It's a rough life.

Escape

That's why you seek out escapes such as porn and video games. They allow you to forget your circumstances and become anything you want to be. The possibilities are endless.

You can sail the seven seas as a chaotic good pirate or steam the oceans in a world war two battleship. You can mine the deep Earth for precious minerals or fly through space in search of new worlds to colonize. You can work together to build villages into towns and towns into cities or lay siege to your enemies and crush them under your heel.

You're not doing shit like that in real life. You can barely leave your parent's basement, let alone tangle with henchmen or hunt down evil wizards. Even if evil wizards existed, you wouldn't be fighting them. Instead, you'd cower in the corner, eating Chinese food and crying into a jizz napkin. It's not a good look.

And when it comes to matters of love, you're even more incapable. The last time your penis felt the sweet touch of pussy was as you passed through your mother's womb. You can still remember the day like it was yesterday. That probably explains your disgusting passion for incest. When it comes to pussy, you gotta get it where you can take it.

Getting You Fucks Laid

I do my best to help you fucks help yourselves. I want you to bring your fantasies closer to life. There is no way you're ever going to fuck the likes of Abella Danger. You might as well completely wipe that possibility from your mind. However, over the years, I've given you some resources, tips, and tricks to get laid.

Don't say you can't get pussy til you've been to a nursing home. There is some desperate pussy in nursing homes. Bitches want one more romp before meeting with the Lord and being bored to death for all of eternity.

They don't care where it comes from. As long as you can get hard, old, sick bitches will hop on. Well, they won't hop on, necessarily, but they will gingerly crawl under you. You'll have to do all the work from there. Gertrude has bad hips.

One nice thing about banging old broads is that they can suck the fuck out of a dick. First off, they appreciate the effort of fucking their old, sick ass, so they want to reward you. Second, they have tons of cock sucking experience. And finally, they don't have teeth. It feels like a pussy with a tongue in it. Now that's the way the Lord intended.

And don't forget about retarded bitches. Victoria's Secret made it okay to fuck retards when they hired a swimsuit model with Down's syndrome. As I always say: If it's okay to jerk off to a bitch, it's okay to fuck her. Plus, the lady has some great tits. Admittedly her face is a bit chromosomey, but that shouldn't bother my readers. Most of you look chromosomey, also.

If you're not trying to fuck old, infirmed, or retarded chicks, then a brothel is your final option. I know you fucks aren't exactly made of money, but it's worth saving every penny if it means you can finally lose your virginity.

What else are you doing with that money? Ordering delivery, buying video games, and purchasing pussy sleeves? You can cut back a bit for the real thing. Instead of buying Chinese food and a pussy sleeve, just get the Chinese and fuck your eggroll.

It doesn't matter how many solutions I come up with for you dildos. Many will still refuse to leave the comfort of their parent's basement. I can't do anything about that. However, I'm here to help regardless of your circumstances, even if you're a basement dweller.

The Virtual World Awaits

That brings me to "Utherverse." "Utherverse" is an MMORPG that puts you in the driver's seat of a regular functioning human being on planet Earth. You're not a hero. You don't need to save anyone or thing. You don't have any magical powers. You're not a giant creature. You can't go to space. You can't mow down crowds of pedestrians with a machine gun. You're not at war. You're not in a mech suit. You're just a functioning adult.

Honestly, considering my readership, being a functional adult is basically a superpower. It will be such a foreign concept that your feeling of fantasy will be just as strong playing "Utherverse" as they would be playing "Portal." The difference is that you'll be interacting with real people.

This may be the world's best 3D social network. It would make Mark Zuckerburg's lizard cloaca wet as the bottom of a lake. Every avatar you see wandering around the Utherverse is a real human being. You can make friends, join or create clans, and go on dates.

Just like real humans, everyone in the Utherverse has a story. There are people who rarely leave the place. I have a feeling many of my readers could get sucked in that deep. There are even thousands of people making a living managing virtual events, properties, and other businesses.

I bet you motherfuckers thought you could never be business owners. I would have agreed with you until I found the Utherverse. You won't have to take out a business loan to start peddling wares here, pending that you have a decent idea. A brothel for old, injured, and retarded people, perhaps.

Plenty to Do

There is never a boring day in the Utherverse. There are free virtual events and online activities happening twenty-four-seven. Utherverse has millions of members and thousands of worlds to explore. You'll never get bored of the place.

They host everything from ritzy black-tie events to nightclub dance parties. You can check out an art gallery to see what your fellow Uthernauts are creating. You can even buy clothing from retailers and wear your favorite creations. The only limits are your creativity.

Concerts abound in the Utherverse and are a great way to meet fellow users. Hit the floor and ask a bitch to dance with you. Buy a drink for the woman in the red dress. Ask if the bartender will suck your cock in the bathroom.

You can get started by creating your avatar for free. There are plenty of customization options to make them your own. Choose your sex, body type, race, hair, clothing, tattoos, and piercings.

Of course, I highly recommend not using your body as a template. Instead, you fuckers should create an avatar that looks nothing like you at all. Not even a little bit. No one is trying to dance with a fat fuck rocking ketchup stains on his sweatpants. Is that a jizz-soaked tissue stuck to your slippers?

Once you've created your free character, there will be opportunities to spend and make money, depending on your goals. You don't have a job in real life, so why not get one in the Utherverse. You could be something sexy like a plumber or fireman.

The Bone Zone

Speaking of sexy, as much shit as there is to do in the Utherverse, a lot of people just fuck. Why wouldn't they? Humans can make anything sexual, and sexualizing the Utherverse is not a stretch.

The admin does their best to make it seem like sex wasn't a goal of the Utherverse's creation, but we all know it was. That's like saying Only Fans didn't think about adult content. I don't believe that motherfucker for a second.

Your sexual forays in the Utherverse could even translate to real life. Bear in mind that the ladies in the Utherverse are just as fucked up as you are. That's why they're trying to escape their lives. They suck. That means these bitches might just be desperate enough to build a relationship with.

Your soul mate could be wandering the Utherverse as you read this article. She's probably at the hotdog store or buying a Minecraft t-shirt. Imagine telling your kids that you met their mother in the Utherverse. They'll be proud to call you their dad.

The Utherverse offers an opportunity for my readers that real life never will. The opportunity to be a regular human being. Is that kind of sad? Yes. Should it stop you from taking advantage of the Utherverse? Fuck no.

My only complaint about the Utherverse is that the avatars look a bit like henchmen in the game "Goldeneye." It's not the best look, but it still gets me hard.

The Utherverse awaits to turn my loser readers into suave Brad Pitt-types. You deserve to feel like a regular Joe for once.

PORNDUDE LOVES

+Unique

+Extremely immersive

+Tons to do

PORNDUDE HATES

-Avatars look a bit like the henchmen in "Goldeneye"